Friday, April 10, 2009
Hey Bitches, I figured with Derek and Romaine's taking a day off, I'd do something fun. Interview a regular caller just to give you that DNR fix that you need (it is just like heroine isn't it?). First I had to think of who to interview and write about, so I asked my listener friends who they wanted to know about. The overwhelming answer to that question was Ryan in CT. Trucker Patti wanted to know if he's really the big hot mess he sounds like when he calls. Michelle in SF said the he's the most popular caller that we don't know much about and Lowgear compared him to the radio equivalent of a train wreck that you just couldn't stop listening to. I asked Ryan if he would mind being the focus of little project and he jumped at the idea (I think to just find a man). I called him up earlier in the week and spend 3 1/2 hours on the phone with our little crazy (I am still exhausted from that) and I expected that when I was done I could to a Barbara Walters' style question and answer interview to keep you on the edge of you seat. Well, needless to say, that wasn't possible. If I tried to do an interview format, it would read like a stream of consciousness style Rosie O'Donnell blog that even I couldn't possibly make out, so I'm just going to tell you about Ryan.
Ryan, The Early Years
Ryan was grew up in Springfield, MA and was born in 1981, yes bitches, that makes him chicken (28). He was the youngest of 3, he has one brother and one sister that are considerably older than he is, so he's always been the baby at home. He doesn't consider himself to be a Mama's Boy or Daddy's Little Girl or cop to being a spoiled little brat (denial ain't just a river in Egypt). Ryan was diagnosed with ADHD when he was very young (duh!), but has really achieved a lot with such a difficult condition. He was an FFA Agriculture student (Mistress Sam, he knows how to grow pot!!!) in high school after his family moved to a very, very, very nice part of Connecticut (he has some very big celebrity neighbors). After graduating high school he went back to Massachusetts to study Marketing at the American International College where many of his family had gone before. While in college Ryan realized that he liked to suck dick and became AIC's first openly gay RA (I said openly). This proved rather difficult for Ryan as he had many cousins and other family members (I honestly couldn't keep track he had so many) at the school. Well, this became a problem because Ryan's grandmother (who lived in the area) was the head of a very large local company and was very much a devout Catholic and pillar of the community (who couldn't have a gay grandson, denial ain't just a river in Egypt). Ryan endured abuse from his family members at the school when he came out, he was pissed on and had shit left on his dorm room door, he was called a "Fucking Faggot" among other gay slurs by his family members on campus. Ryan persevered however (not after trying to run over a homophobic cousin with his car), and graduated from college and moved back to Connecticut with his parents.
Fashion Designer, Paramedic, Cancer Patient, Fashion Designer, Substitute Teacher, Nursing Student
After young Ryan graduated and moved back home, he was faced with some issues. His very prominent father who is the local director of a national organization also didn't like the idea of an out and proud gay son. His mother, a nurse has always tried to be supportive of Ryan even though her Catholic ideals make it difficult. Ryan decided that he needed in embrace his inner queer and follow his dream to be the next fashion designer that Heidi Klum said Auf Wiedersehen to on Project Runway, so he moved to Savannah, GA and entered design school. Ryan left fashion design school after a while and moved back home to live with his parents (honestly, I'm not sure why) and decided he wanted to be a Paramedic. He went to college to be an EMT, right before he was to go back and get his first level of education to be a Medic, he was at the gym one day and felt a lump in his neck. Well, being educated in the medical field (and a little bit of a hypochondriac) Ryan had a needle biopsy and discovered he had Stage 3 Papillary Cancer, at this point Ryan dropped everything in his life, quit school and "felt like a failure". He immediately went in to treatment with an oncologist and was told he had to have two Modified Radical Neck Resections within three weeks of each other. These operations not only left some pretty sever physical scars on his neck, but also some emotional scars that he still carries around today. Ryan returned to Fashion Design school late last year, decided it wasn't for him, now he would like to be an Oncology Nurse to help people going through the same things he has been through. Ryan works as a substitute teacher in the mean time.
Ryan Since He Discovered Derek and Romaine
Ryan first listened to The Bitches in November of 2007, he was hooked. He even remembered his first call in date it was February 6th, 2008 to call in to What's Your Gay Problem to ask Derek and Romaine how to deal with his childhood best friend wanting him to put his life (cancer treatments included) on hold for her big, lavish Portuguese wedding. He has become a very (at least once every show) caller to the show and his favorite segments are Desperately Fucking Angry and What's Your Gay Problem (they might as well be the same segment to him because his calls always have elements of both), and delights everyone listening with the sounds of incoherence and drama that the world loves to listen to. Ryan admitted that he calls the show as an outlet to express what he can't when he is around his family. Most recently he was upset because he couldn't understand why Romaine and some listeners thought his family was rich, well, let's examine the evidence, Ryan's father's family has what Ryan himself referred to as a "Family Compound" (Kennedy's anyone?) in MA, his mom and dad have a vacation home near PTown, he explained that is parents have always paid for whatever schooling he went to because they were encouraging him to follow his dreams (Ah, nice parents, except for his dad not wanting him to "wear his homosexuality on his sleeve"). Ryan and I came to an agreement that his family is Connecticut Upper Middle Class, which anywhere else in the country would be considered loaded, or just plain Wasps. (take your pic). Ryan loves when Erik Rhodes guest hosts (they are kindred hot mess spirits), loves when Trucker Patti calls in because she seems so nice and genuine and hates when a caller whose name rhymes with Vagina(miah) calls in because his voice is like nails on a chalk board, and he loves Derek and Romaine because they will actually take his calls.
What can I say bitches, talking to Ryan was a pleasure, you know the old saying, if you think your problems are bad, listen to someone else's. After chatting with Ryan I realized he does have a short attention span (like a coked-up squirrel) but really does have a heart of gold. He is currently in treatment for his cancer and has two radiation treatments left, he is hopefull about going into remission and making a full recovery. Ryan would like to meet a guy (even long distance), says his ideal date is cooking dinner with someone, a long walk on the beach at his parent's beach house, experimenting with spanking, S&M, bondage, food play, tit play, ball stretchers, etc. (JT's Stockroom.com type things). Ryan is "Versatile Top" (Bottom), will do anything he can for a guy he is dating, and is comfortable taking up to 12"(his words). He is an equal opportunity whore (my words, but he didn't complain) and doesn't want to sound desperate, but really needs a boyfriend. He is interested in many types (anything from Twink to Silverdaddy, no matter the distance (major cities with airports, please). You can reach Ryan by email at BigJockCandy@aol.com, his Facebook page (it says Alex, not Ryan, that's because Ryan is a huge Guiding Light fan and secretly wants to be Alexandra Spaulding, true story), you can find him on Match.com under the profile name BigJockCandy27, at Bear411 called CrazySexyApollo, or his new blog OneFatMess.com. I will now leave you with my favorite quote during my time talking to every one's favorite Hot Mess, he described himself as "Classy in the streets, and slutty in the sheets". What more could anyone want? Enjoy.
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