Friday, July 27, 2012

The DNR Show through the eyes of DonDon

When I told Derek that I was getting the DNR show cancelled, I wish I wasn't kidding. It happened in the bathroom on a Tuesday night during the second news break. We were casually peeing a urinal apart from each other and  to break the silence I blurted out "I am getting the Derek and Romaine Show cancelled!" (Channeling my inner Sharon Needles). He gave me the side-eye like he does every time I try to say a good joke that falls flat on its face and went forth to wash his hands.Then in an attempt to gracefully walk towards the sink and give him another unfunny comment, I slipped on a puddle of pee that the some ding dong before me left behind because peeing close to the urinal is unheard of here at the Sirius XM offices. He laughed at me and then used it as radio material. I was mortified. And as Derek walked out of the studio that night, I whispered to myself "Your days are numbered..."

It is quite the opposite since I am only an intern and we have the life expectancy of a fly. (Dodges Amber's ginormous fly swatter). I did not realize that being an intern with DNR was going to be this traumatizing. Lately my experience has been scarring but also rewarding. I've been meeting some of the biggest hot messes in DNR history. First up, Gioia Bruno, Scott Spears and their gay porno posse.Upon gathering them to take them into the studio I felt every hump, moan and thrust seeping from their minds as they eye-fucked the shit out of me. If I showed any interest in any of them I'd be on my third film and hired to be part of the Bad Boys on the Hudson: Latino Twink Night, essskanky mess. I was intrigued by Gioia Bruno, boy was she joyous to be with us. She sort of reminded me of an extremely loud and sweet fart, especially when she made everything about her. My favorite was when she tried on one of the banana hammocks that Spears was supposed to wear on the Bad Boys on the Hudson Extravaganza, I later found out that he burned it and roofied Gioia Bruno's Skinny Girl Martini. She was a really nice lady. 

Speaking of nice ladies, the other mess I got to meet was the one and only Lady Bunny. I didn't know much about the Drag legend, other than Latrice Royale almost ate her alive on the one episode of Drag U I ever watched and that Hedda Lettuce looooooooves her some Bunny, honey. I was lucky enough to meet her at the Big Gay Ice Cream Social that took place two weeks ago. I was super impressed by her big, blonde hair, like how the hell is her neck still functional? I was also caught peeking at her granny panties by Iris, its not my fault her dress was too short. I have to admit her legs were to die for. Excuse me while I do my death drop and bang my head on a empty can of soda. Lady Bunny was a great DJ too, she brought me back to the days when I used to go to work with my dad and instead of paying attention to how a truck works (In hopes that I can take over the family business someday) I sang and danced to Radio Disney's Ultimate 90's Dance Mix...Katie and I ask her to take a photo with us and it was fabulous. The End.

Not really, but almost I swear! Finally the most recent hot mess I got to meet was Mondo Guerra from Project runway, he was in studio to promote his new project IDesign but instead ended up giving us the dish on Project Runway. I was a big fan of Mondo, and when he didn't win I was so pissed off, I almost stabbed my mom's collection of Michael Kors handbags...but we live paycheck to paycheck and my mom is a crazy ass Latina who will crucify me and then slap me with a sacrificed chicken. America, Sofia Vergara has showed you nothing. ANYWAY, so it was really nice to be in the same room as Mondo and I took it upon myself to walk him out and get a photo with him. I took that opportunity to tell him that my older brother and his boyfriend both made out with him at The Cock, say cheese bitch. He thought it was embarassing and I don't blame him. He then invited me to the filthy cum dumpster that is The Cock to help me forget that ever happened. We became best friends for a total of 2 hours and then the clock hit 3 AM and I had to bounce out of there before a crazy, naked daddy kidnapped me.

Now that I think of it, I don't want to get DNR cancelled. What else am I going to for the next few weeks?

-Love, Don Don

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