Monday, October 31, 2011

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Dear Adolescent Eric,
We both believe that, like astral projection, time travel is possible; so this letter shouldn’t come as any surprise to you.  Think back to the Land of the Lost re-runs we used to watch on Saturday mornings.  Remember the episode in which Holly Marshall met her older-self?  I’m suddenly reminded of another episode where Holly called Chaka the primate dumb.  The next day, we referred to everyone in Sunday School as being dumb.  Of course our Sunday School teacher ratted us out to Grandma.  When she lovingly advised us that Jesus wouldn’t call anyone dumb, our four year old self proudly responded with, “Grandma, Jesus would if the person was really fucking dumb.”  Grandma shook her head and went to the kitchen to make Tollhouse cookies; blissfully in denial that her four year old grandson had no problem dropping the F-Bomb.   
Eric, young people often need advice, and although they never seem to take it, I’ll do as any elder would and offer us a few words of wisdom …
Above anything else that I could possibly ever offer as advice to you throughout our journey in this lifetime, are these simple words: Do Not Regret The Decisions We Make
Our decisions; good, bad, wise or misguided, will enhance our future incarnate lives.
Let’s get our coming-out discussion out of the way …
I loved that when we told our mom we were gay she said, “Honey, we all knew you were a queen.  We were just waiting for you to take your throne.” We then went to the mall and bought a whole bunch of Swatch watches.  Save those watches, especially the Keith Haring Swatch mom bought you, it’ll be worth a good amount of cash one day.
I know you're still on Cloud 9 after just having lost our virginity to a really cute boy.  The sex was amazing, wasn’t it?  I totally wasn’t ready for your orgasm to co-inside with Linda Lavin singing the theme song to Alice!  While I agree that it was important to leave the television on so that no one would hear us having sex, thank God Apple will reinvent the way we listen to music.  That way there will always be a soundtrack during our lovemaking.  But never forget how happy you were in that moment, lying next to him,  laughing about him busting his load to Flo saying, “Mel … kiss my grits!”   
We’ve always been a bit of a gypsy throughout our many lives.  Please continue this attribute throughout your journey as Eric.  Eventually, you and I will find the place we’ve always looked for in our final incarnate self.  Stock up on packing tape, the art of getting the best deal at U-Haul and convincing your parents that they should take their next vacation during the same time you need help moving all your shit to the next fabulous new city!
Continue to take comfort in humor and the written word, for they will always be our greatest strength, our ally, and our comfort.  As people vanish or simply become emotionally and physically unavailable, our humor and writing will live on.  Humor will allow us the medium to process the events that happen in this lifetime.  You’ll encounter many jobs, many professions, BUT writing will eventually pay your mortgage and make work seem like a land of fantasy.  
Continue to smile, for it replenishes an exhausted soul and radiates another human being when they least expect it.  I know we'll worry about laugh lines, but in the future, someone invents a readily available injection that will shed a few years here and there.  Trust me, you’re going to be an avid researcher on ways to beat the clock.
When the time arrives for our grandparents to end their journey, celebrate the intangible gifts they’ve bestowed upon you.  Continue to record all of the funny times you share together … and don’t throw away any cassettes or VHS tapes that capture the practical jokes you’ve played on them. I know there are moments when we cry with the thought of losing them.  Do not.  They have travelled with you many lifetimes.
I'm at what is known as an internet cafĂ©.  This is where I’m creating this message and my prepaid card is up.  Yes, being shaken down for money never goes away in any lifetime!  The manager is giving me the evil eye, so I better get this to you.  She looks as if she could pull the plug quicker than the electric company shut off the power in our first apartment because we thought it was included in the rent.
Never lose our inner child.  He’s four years old and although he may be a hot mess, he fuels our creativity and we love him.  16 is one hellacious year of hair experimentation, so I'm sending you a pic of our 4 year old self ... as not to remind you of whatever latest creation you're living to regret!


  1. i love reading your blogs!

  2. eric,
    you are kind of the best.....
    i wish you were a permanent DNR fixture because you are hilarious....
    when you move on to some awesome project keep the DNR universe posted because we love you.
    -Nick in Virginia

  3. Eric is so much fun :)

  4. I agree with ya Nick
    Eric is awesome! I hope somebody at that place offers him a job.

  5. we're needing another blog, mister eric!
    you're funny as fuck and this site is so much more entertaining with you

  6. I haven't heard Eric on the show lately?
    Where is Eric???