Monday, November 5, 2012

Favorite Bitch ... on the art of HOOKING-UP PICS

Ol Skool Grindr pics aka PHYSIQUE PICTORIAL magazine which sold for just 35¢ in the 1950's!

I had a blast guest hosting and introducing my new segment! Thank you for your love and support!  Speaking of support, the phone lines were on fire as I dispensed words of wisdom on everything from sex, relationships and oh, yeah ... how to increase one's production of ejaculate! WERk!

We didn't have a chance to cover all my tips on hooking up, however, the most important one I talked about was the issue of PHOTOS.  Thought it'd be useful to do a recap, that way all you bitches are PC when it comes to your NSA!

Miss Tiger
P.S. Click here to download the DNR Social by Grindr!

TIP #1
Treat your profile pic as if it's a collectable being sold on ebay.

No one wants to be the winning bidder on something advertised as 'mint condition,' only to open the box and find the goods were falsely advertised like last week's specials in a discount supermarket!

TIP #2
Make sure your profile pic is fucking CURRENT!

The photos you post (and send) should be taken within the last six months. Nobody is interested in your glory-day photos from the summer of 1988. You know,  when you were going through your "I Wanna Look Like The Cover Of George Michael's Faith album" phase.

TIP #3
Thank you, Romaine Patterson, for reminding everyone to pay attention to the background of your photos.

I couldn't agree more!  I DO NOT wanna see your dirty-ass laundry and a room that looks like a motha fuckin' cyclone hit it! NOTE: Poor decorating is also a major turn off.

TIP #4
It's not like tricks expect you to be a David LaChapelle or a Bruce Weber ...

But goddamn it, we live in an era of digital cameras, smartphones and iPads- there is no reason in hell why bitches can't take a clear fucking photo.  Don't let your grainy picture fall under suspicion for having been taken with a Kodak Disc for Chrissake!

NOTE:  Zoom in on your trick's pics - it's a perfect initial inspection for critters, blisters, crustations, warts, circumcisions gone wrong and anything else that may be considered contagious or unwelcome.

TIP #5

If you make the initial contact, then motha fuckah, your ass better be prepared to send your pic before asking for someone else's.

I can't believe the gaul of some of these folks who ignore this tip.  It's like inviting someone to dinner and as soon as that tiramisu is finished ... ya start asking the bitch to go dutch!

TIP #6

If you're on a site that is specifically for booty calls, then you better have some goddamn XXX photos.
Otherwise, you're seen as some shady, geriatric pic collector!

TIP #7
Don't be afraid to shave or wax before you take your pictorials!

Nowadays, straight girls refuse to floss on overgrown pubic hair- especially when it's very metrosexual for their men to go for the crack-n-sack wax.

All you men out there with little dicks, mow the lawn and give the illusion of having an illustrious Ben Andrews cock.

All you girls out there, invest in a brazilian and showcase every bit of those soft ruffles of frosting on your cake!  Under no circumstance, should you allow your significant other to take a shot at waxing.  Do-It-Yourself wax is only good for the store shelves, not the unskilled hands of your fuckbuddy!

TIP #8

If I want mystery, I'll read Sherlock Holmes or better yet, ponder the real age of some of those queens from RuPaul's Drag Race who claim to be 30!

What I'm saying is, if you're asked a question, give a fucking clear answer. You're not running for president, therefore, your potential fuck isn't gonna get caught up in the splendor of you dancing around the subject.

TIP #9

TOPS - Ya bettah know the size of your fucking dick.

Bottoms wanna know what they'll enjoy riding or having to politely decline, that is, unless they're into midget-dick.  Take your ass to a craft or fabric shop, and invest in a soft sided measuring tape for accurately calibrating your length and girth.

TIP #10 

BOTTOMS- Have Ass wide open shots.

If I can get a cupcake, then why should I settle for a cookie? Tops wanna see how round that ass is, how smooth or hairy that boypussy is, and last but not least, whether not not your hole looks like it's had more finger action than an iPad!

Tune in to the next installment of Favorite Bitch!
DNR Monday, November 12th @ 9pm ET

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, all that and don't become a tweaked out mess at the next play party you are invited to.