Thursday, June 7, 2012

And it goes a little something like Donald.

Hey B.I.T.C.H.E.S.

Where do I start.
It takes a little warming up and A LOT of dumbing down to get used to me. I come in peace unless we are in KFC and yo crazy ass is tryna steal my 6 piece chicken dinner...then we have a problem. I am a part time preacher. I like to tell people how to live their lives but lord only knows that MY LIFE is the One that needs Direction. His name is Zayn and he is my Paki Papi. I am recovering from some social deficiencies so bear with me if it sounds like I have something in my mouth...I blame my crazy ass Latina mother for smacking my mouth every time I screamed like a girl and letting me suck my thumb until I was thirteen. Don't judge me, it comes in handy these days ;). She was also successful in keeping me away from all the Jersey City cholo's and chola's growing up but always called me a "chismoso" or gossip queen , every time I judged them for overusing that 99 cent hair gel. Dominican's are judgmental bitches. My aunt Isabel is still trying to pull me into the closet after she caught me wearing her Chinatown Coochie Couture bag and told me I was going to hell and I looked her straight in the eye and said...I forgot but it was fierce and pointless like this introduction. I don't hate my heritage but they need to calm the fuck down. I am also half-Honduran but that side of the family kind of disowned me but who cares now we know where my fucked up communication skills come from. Just remember to forgive your family members, never hold a grudge...I haven't reached that point yet but when you do give me a call.

I am going to be a Senior at Fairleigh Dick-in-son University for Communication Studies, I am also minoring in TV and Radio Production so it's perfect that I am working alongside Amber Hall who is a BEAST at what she does. I am not sure what I want to do when I graduate but idling around thinking about it is turning out to be kind of fun. Life supports me in every way so I am trusting that the Universe will just throw my career choice at me some day...maybe at Splash Bar while I am pushing off a dirty Armenian Daddy out my face. I was raised by a television so it would only be fitting to get casted on some cheap ass reality show about D-List gay men in NJ who think they are on the A-List but not really. We can call it A-List: NJ, yes. Let's take back whatever dignity we lost from the Jersey Shore and spruce it up with some Ikea Meatballs and vegetarian-friendly hot dogs. Perro Calientes! WOO! Oh and another thing I live by this oxymoronic catchphrase that dates back all the from my high school days...which is like yesterday but is it living JUDGEFREE. All that means is that when something happens that is ridiculous and impossible to ignore like me getting hired as an intern for The Derek and Romaine show and the first thing you want to do is judge, you put up your index finger and middle finger up like Jesus and before you start your judgmental rant you say JUDGEFREE and bitch you can judge all ya want. JUDGEFREE JUDGEFREE JUDGEFREE. 

 Listener 1: Judgefree, I can't believe they chose Donald as the new intern...he's no Princess Eric. BRING BACK PRINCESS ERIC! WE DON'T WANT THIS NEW BOTTOM. LONG LIVE THE PRINCE-ASS ERIC....

Donald: Die.
(Just kidding)

So there you have it. I am here to marry Zayn from One Direction, get picked up by an Armenian Daddy, reach A-list: NJ status and make Judgefree happen.  Oh and learn as much as my pea brain can handle about what it takes to produce The Derek and Romaine show. 

-Forever yours, Donald

p.s. and I love love love my fellow intern Jerry...

follow me on twitter @dnclndrs. 

p.p.s If you have time and you want to see my boyfriend singing to me you are more than welcomed to... speed up to :35


  1. I love meeting the interns

  2. Thanks for the intro, nice to know the face behind the voice. For what it's worth you're a great replacement for Eric, cuter and much easier to listen to.


  3. Love the Jesus pose. You are a handsome guy, Donald!