Tuesday night, our lovely boss, Amber ... sent myself and Christian to Times Square to play the infamous Penny Can game. (Amber conveniently forgot to inform me that Christian doesn't know how to decipher cross-walk signs. Jesus Christ, they have fucking pictures and he still gets confused?)
As soon as we exited the elevator, Intern Christian started bitching that he wanted a Subway sandwich. To hell with his Cold Cut Combo, I was ready to shove a goodamn Fleshlight Zombie® dildo down his throat. I was still furious with the juice incident, therefore, I completely ignored his hunger pains. Let me back track for a moment: Before leaving the building, I asked Christian to bring me a juice. Why did this Chrissy Snow come back with a goddamn Hawaiian Punch? I was completely dumbfounded that he actually believed that Hawaiian Punch was fruit juice! I had a total bipolar moment in front of Sirius security. But thinking back, what bothers me more than Christian's mishap, is the fact that the security guard found my Mommie Dearest moment to be completely natural here at Sirius. He didn't even bother to look up from his Sudoko during the whole fucking episode ...
Will someone PLEASE explain to Christian that the ghetto-ass Hawaiian fruit punch they put in his bottle in place of Vitamin D milk ... IS NOT 100% real fruit juice???
I continued to ignore his whining for a Subway sandwich. We turned the corner and before our very eyes was the wonderful world of dirty, grungy, unauthorized mascots! Mickey Mouse, Hello Kitty, Spider-Man and the Super Mario Brothers to name a few! Spider-man managed to play with us before their pimp, who was recently paroled from serving time for sodomy, larceny and grand theft auto, informed us that our Penny Can was fucking with his territory.
We got the hell out of there! Who wants to be raped by some thug while being held down by Hello Kitty?
By the way, Spider-Man missed his shot, and per the rules of our dysfunctional Penny Can game, I was allowed to ask him an embarrassing question. Well, doesn't every gay man want to know if their superhero is actually packing some major cock in those tights? Spidey confirmed that he was indeed HUNG. My eyes glanced at his package and there was a stain.
Our paths then crossed with a troll named Jeremiah. He may have had a biblical name, but this dude lost religion right about the same time he lost his virginity-and I suspect it happened in the back of a Ford Econoline Van or a tent at a church camp meeting. Jeremiah had this aura and stench about him, as if he had just left one of the adult bookstores that feature a movie & cum dump. But he was willing to play Penny Can and it was fun torturing him! His wrist had more limp than a hillbilly with gout, so needless to say, our Penny Can runneth over.
Before heading back to the studio, Christian thought it would be a good idea to take Penny Can into a gay bar. That bitch knows where every gay bar is within a 4 block radius of Sirius, so we went to the Ritz. There I was, minding my own business when Christian stumbled across one of his gentleman callers. Let's just say that Anna Nicole Smith wasn't the only one doing a geriatric on a respirator ...
While Christian was securing his November rent and Metro card, I met two drunk messes on the porch. Obviously, they missed their Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and decided to get drunk at 4 o' clock in the afternoon. Suprisingly, they still managed a good aim! They were adorable yet deplorable and wanted to know if bathroom sex from Christian was one of their door prizes ... need I say more? Christian does do as he's told and the winners got more than they bargained for!
We went back to the studio and had a great time with Derek and Romaine. We even got to play on-air and ended the evening with a lot of fun and laughter! For a brief, fleeding moment, I actually liked Christian ... that is until he text me in the middle of the night asking what he should do about the guy he vomited on during a moment of passion.
That's all for now, folks!
-Eric The Intern
Young man I would like to spend 15 minutes in your head.
ReplyDeleteFunny and original story.
Keep up the good work Eric.
So Christian was pimped out in return for nothing? I understand that he was a prize but someone could have at least received a Hawaiian Punch in exchange. Those guys were drunk, they could have been tricked into believing that they got a good deal. But who drinks that fake shit anyway? That shit is a fruit flavoured drink, not a juice.
ReplyDeleteThis is CJ in West Virginia, Eric you are so darn cute =)
ReplyDeleteIt was a blast playing Penny Fucking Can with Eric and Christian! Not the kind of blast that Christian knows best.
ReplyDeletexoJeremiah
Eric should be Christian's pimp
ReplyDeleteEric just needs to admit his deep seated love for Christian and the two can be happy together. ;)
ReplyDelete