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Dear Adolescent Eric,

We both believe that, like astral projection, time travel is possible; so this letter shouldn’t come as any surprise to you.  Think back to the Land of the Lost re-runs we used to watch on Saturday mornings.  Remember the episode in which Holly Marshall met her older-self?  I’m suddenly reminded of another episode where Holly called Chaka the primate dumb.  The next day, we referred to everyone in Sunday School as being dumb.  Of course our Sunday School teacher ratted us out to Grandma.  When she lovingly advised us that Jesus wouldn’t call anyone dumb, our four year old self proudly responded with, “Grandma, Jesus would if the person was really fucking dumb.”  Grandma shook her head and went to the kitchen to make Tollhouse cookies; blissfully in denial that her four year old grandson had no problem dropping the F-Bomb.   

Eric, young people often need advice, and although they never seem to take it, I’ll do as any elder would and offer us a few words of wisdom …

Above anything else that I could possibly ever offer as advice to you throughout our journey in this lifetime, are these simple words: Do Not Regret The Decisions We Make

Our decisions; good, bad, wise or misguided, will enhance our future incarnate lives.

Let’s get our coming-out discussion out of the way …

I loved that when we told our mom we were gay she said, “Honey, we all knew you were a queen.  We were just waiting for you to take your throne.” We then went to the mall and bought a whole bunch of Swatch watches.  Save those watches, especially the Keith Haring Swatch mom bought you, it’ll be worth a good amount of cash one day.

I know you're still on Cloud 9 after just having lost our virginity to a really cute boy.  The sex was amazing, wasn’t it?  I totally wasn’t ready for your orgasm to co-inside with Linda Lavin singing the theme song to Alice!  While I agree that it was important to leave the television on so that no one would hear us having sex, thank God Apple will reinvent the way we listen to music.  That way there will always be a soundtrack during our lovemaking.  But never forget how happy you were in that moment, lying next to him,  laughing about him busting his load to Flo saying, “Mel … kiss my grits!”   

We’ve always been a bit of a gypsy throughout our many lives.  Please continue this attribute throughout your journey as Eric.  Eventually, you and I will find the place we’ve always looked for in our final incarnate self.  Stock up on packing tape, the art of getting the best deal at U-Haul and convincing your parents that they should take their next vacation during the same time you need help moving all your shit to the next fabulous new city!

Continue to take comfort in humor and the written word, for they will always be our greatest strength, our ally, and our comfort.  As people vanish or simply become emotionally and physically unavailable, our humor and writing will live on.  Humor will allow us the medium to process the events that happen in this lifetime.  You’ll encounter many jobs, many professions, BUT writing will eventually pay your mortgage and make work seem like a land of fantasy.  

Continue to smile, for it replenishes an exhausted soul and radiates another human being when they least expect it.  I know we'll worry about laugh lines, but in the future, someone invents a readily available injection that will shed a few years here and there.  Trust me, you’re going to be an avid researcher on ways to beat the clock.

When the time arrives for our grandparents to end their journey, celebrate the intangible gifts they’ve bestowed upon you.  Continue to record all of the funny times you share together … and don’t throw away any cassettes or VHS tapes that capture the practical jokes you’ve played on them. I know there are moments when we cry with the thought of losing them.  Do not.  They have travelled with you many lifetimes.

I'm at what is known as an internet café.  This is where I’m creating this message and my prepaid card is up.  Yes, being shaken down for money never goes away in any lifetime!  The manager is giving me the evil eye, so I better get this to you.  She looks as if she could pull the plug quicker than the electric company shut off the power in our first apartment because we thought it was included in the rent.

Never lose our inner child.  He’s four years old and although he may be a hot mess, he fuels our creativity and we love him.  16 is one hellacious year of hair experimentation, so I'm sending you a pic of our 4 year old self ... as not to remind you of whatever latest creation you're living to regret!

Derek's Dear Me Letter

A Letter To My Sixteen Year Old Self

Derek at Sixteen

Greetings from twenty-five years in the future. Freaky right? It’s just like that writing assignment you had a couple of years ago where you had to write a letter to yourself in twenty years. Sad news. Most of the relatives you said I should look up are dead now so instead of putting in a letter to call them, maybe you should just call them now while you can. I know long distance is expensive but that will change. Everything about calling will change. And the easier and cheaper it gets to call people, the less you will want to do it. Weird right? Sometimes life doesn’t make a lot of sense.

There are things that will disappoint you. We don’t live on the moon and robot butlers haven’t happened either. You will have a robot dog though but the novelty will wear out before the battery does. Pretty much nothing in Back To The Future II happens. They did make the sneakers finally but that was never interesting anyway. In 2001, Pan Am will be out of business and in 2010, you won’t live in a house with dolphins as pets. Frankly, the best invention we get out of science fiction is automatic doors and they’re everywhere and you’re going to love them.

I don’t really have a lot of advice for you. Things have turned out pretty good so far, with only a couple of minor exceptions. You are a lucky person with good instincts. Follow them and be bold and you’ll do great. You could change things but you’ll be happy with the way things turn out even if you don’t. But I suppose I have some minor suggestions that might improve the quality of your overall experience.

1. Your tortured teen love for Laurel Cullen is a phase. You like guys. You should quite moping and listening to Madonna songs because the hot male date you bring to your ten year high school reunion will make her wild with jealousy.

2. Stop making faces in the mirror trying to see what you will look like when you get older. Trust me, you’ll get plenty of that when you are older. Enjoy being young. Even though you will be frustrated that people won’t take you seriously at work because you have a baby face, getting carded in your 30s is a lot more fun than a corner office.

3. Having a boyfriend is not important. Making money is. It will turn out over time that you will like the security of cash in the bank more than the security of a man on your arm. So, shamelessly pursue your career instead of men who will only waste your time and steal your energy. And as a TV show in the future will point out, “with enough money, you can pay people to see you naked.”

4. When your Mom tells you to “do something nice for some nice lesbian couple somewhere” by donating to a sperm bank when you are 22, don’t be mortified, just take her advice. Yes, you will probably be a grandfather in your 40s, but in retrospect, having grandkids at any age is awesome and even though you will miss changing diapers and shaping their lives, there will still be little Derek’s running around somewhere with Denis’ chin and your Mom’s long limbs and ski jump nose.

5. Don’t be afraid to move to New York City. You are going to love it. Although you are right, there will never be enough money to live there properly, no matter how rich you are.

6. I know Peggy Sue Got Married doesn’t make any sense to you now, but in twenty years, that shit is going to wreck you. Lots of movies and other things will make more sense when you are older. Yes, it seems obnoxious that Glinda doesn’t just let Dorothy go home at the beginning of the Wizard of Oz, but an arduous journey is more valuable than an easy trip to where you want to go. If you don’t learn along the way, you’ll just end up a Republican.

7. Your fight with your Dad may seem like it is about other things but it is just about you being gay. Get over it and tell him. It will turn out to be the best thing. In fact, come out in high school. Nothing bad is going to happen and I assure you there won’t be one shocked face in a ten mile radius. Not even Laurel.

8. Stop resisting technology. It is going to end up defining your career again and again and again. The more you resist it, the less money you will end up making. And as you can see in #3, money is kind of important. And writing too. Don’t resist that either. You like it. Do more of that.

9. Don’t try to be trendy or wear fashionable clothes. You are the embodiment of American sportswear. Stick with what works for you. Otherwise you will just end up looking ridiculous. Although, it turns out that what other people think doesn’t really matter but still, you will know you look ridiculous and not in a good way.

10. People are stupid. You are just going to have to let that go. Be happy instead, and grateful that you aren’t stupid too. And your hair. Be grateful for that. Even though it has already started going grey, like everything else in your life, you’ll still end up having more than you’ll ever need. And if I know myself, that will be a relief.

This Dear Me letter is inspired by the book Dear Me: A Letter to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self.

Amber's Dear Me Letter

(I'm on the left)

October 25, 2011

Dear 16 Year Old Me,

Heads up kiddo it's 1999 you're in high school, Emily's mother has somewhat recently forbid you from seeing each other and you pretty much thought the world was over, well I've got news from you it isn't and things will settle and you'll find more happiness than you thought possible in the years ahead.

I know you believe you're an artist but your constantly frustrated with your inability to finish a project that's worthwhile, well I have good news, you are an artist you just haven't found your medium yet but when you do it will offer great satisfaction though not without challenges and frustrations of its own. They're worth it.

Don't force things, especially in the relationship department there is no need to rush. You will have many relationships, be honest with yourself and your partners I promise it will cause less heartache in the end.

Listen to mom, I know she seems over protective and nags you a lot but seriously she's right about pretty much all of that stuff and you'll soon realize how lucky you are to have her.

Take lots of pictures and write in a journal (you won't write enough but you should!) life might seem to drag on now but mark my words every year goes faster than the last and before you know it you'll be 28 years old thinking holy crap I can't believe it's almost November 2011. Seriously just remember as much as you can, be good to your friends, call your family, tell them you love them.

If you happen to hear from 50 year old me please forward the message, I'd love to hear what she has to say.

Always,

Amber

This Dear Me letter is inspired by the book Dear Me: A Letter to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self.