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Dear Adolescent Eric,

We both believe that, like astral projection, time travel is possible; so this letter shouldn’t come as any surprise to you.  Think back to the Land of the Lost re-runs we used to watch on Saturday mornings.  Remember the episode in which Holly Marshall met her older-self?  I’m suddenly reminded of another episode where Holly called Chaka the primate dumb.  The next day, we referred to everyone in Sunday School as being dumb.  Of course our Sunday School teacher ratted us out to Grandma.  When she lovingly advised us that Jesus wouldn’t call anyone dumb, our four year old self proudly responded with, “Grandma, Jesus would if the person was really fucking dumb.”  Grandma shook her head and went to the kitchen to make Tollhouse cookies; blissfully in denial that her four year old grandson had no problem dropping the F-Bomb.   

Eric, young people often need advice, and although they never seem to take it, I’ll do as any elder would and offer us a few words of wisdom …

Above anything else that I could possibly ever offer as advice to you throughout our journey in this lifetime, are these simple words: Do Not Regret The Decisions We Make

Our decisions; good, bad, wise or misguided, will enhance our future incarnate lives.

Let’s get our coming-out discussion out of the way …

I loved that when we told our mom we were gay she said, “Honey, we all knew you were a queen.  We were just waiting for you to take your throne.” We then went to the mall and bought a whole bunch of Swatch watches.  Save those watches, especially the Keith Haring Swatch mom bought you, it’ll be worth a good amount of cash one day.

I know you're still on Cloud 9 after just having lost our virginity to a really cute boy.  The sex was amazing, wasn’t it?  I totally wasn’t ready for your orgasm to co-inside with Linda Lavin singing the theme song to Alice!  While I agree that it was important to leave the television on so that no one would hear us having sex, thank God Apple will reinvent the way we listen to music.  That way there will always be a soundtrack during our lovemaking.  But never forget how happy you were in that moment, lying next to him,  laughing about him busting his load to Flo saying, “Mel … kiss my grits!”   

We’ve always been a bit of a gypsy throughout our many lives.  Please continue this attribute throughout your journey as Eric.  Eventually, you and I will find the place we’ve always looked for in our final incarnate self.  Stock up on packing tape, the art of getting the best deal at U-Haul and convincing your parents that they should take their next vacation during the same time you need help moving all your shit to the next fabulous new city!

Continue to take comfort in humor and the written word, for they will always be our greatest strength, our ally, and our comfort.  As people vanish or simply become emotionally and physically unavailable, our humor and writing will live on.  Humor will allow us the medium to process the events that happen in this lifetime.  You’ll encounter many jobs, many professions, BUT writing will eventually pay your mortgage and make work seem like a land of fantasy.  

Continue to smile, for it replenishes an exhausted soul and radiates another human being when they least expect it.  I know we'll worry about laugh lines, but in the future, someone invents a readily available injection that will shed a few years here and there.  Trust me, you’re going to be an avid researcher on ways to beat the clock.

When the time arrives for our grandparents to end their journey, celebrate the intangible gifts they’ve bestowed upon you.  Continue to record all of the funny times you share together … and don’t throw away any cassettes or VHS tapes that capture the practical jokes you’ve played on them. I know there are moments when we cry with the thought of losing them.  Do not.  They have travelled with you many lifetimes.

I'm at what is known as an internet café.  This is where I’m creating this message and my prepaid card is up.  Yes, being shaken down for money never goes away in any lifetime!  The manager is giving me the evil eye, so I better get this to you.  She looks as if she could pull the plug quicker than the electric company shut off the power in our first apartment because we thought it was included in the rent.

Never lose our inner child.  He’s four years old and although he may be a hot mess, he fuels our creativity and we love him.  16 is one hellacious year of hair experimentation, so I'm sending you a pic of our 4 year old self ... as not to remind you of whatever latest creation you're living to regret!

Dear Me

Dear Kingston,

Age 16

You're probably heading home from school right now after having a miserable day. Nothing makes you happier than being home with your mom and little brother ,dancing around the house to some Bruce Springsteen. When your at school your pretend to be someone your not just so you can be liked by everyone. You put on a smile to the world but your dying inside because you just want people to like you for who you are. But you know if people see the real you, your going to end up with no friends. Just be yourself and don't give a fuck what people think of you. Your going to make so many friends that will love you for who you are. Life is beautiful my friend. So here are some words of widsom that will hopefully make things easier for you

1) When you turn 18, you will recieve your first credit card. DO NOT USE IT!  Your going to get carried away and end up $8000 in debt. -____-

2) A girl is going to ask you to prom and your going to tell her to meet you at the Burger King. You never show up.  Don't be a dickhead and go with her, she turns out to be a model. Not that it matters anyway since your gay, but still!

3) Don't join sports becuase your friends are all in them. Follow your heart, if you want to be part of the math league, go for it. Who cares if they judge you.

4) Never leave home without telling your family you love them, you never know when's the last day you're going to seem them. Your only regret now at 23years old, is not going to see your grandma as much, because you thought she was never going to pass away. She died this August and you regret not telling her how much you love her

5) Your friends are going to continue asking you to do drugs. I know you are contemplating it, but dont give in. Just so you know, Brian is in jail for 5 years, Seth is in probation and works at Burger King, and Michelle is going to rehab. Don't end up like them.

6) I know your constantly stressing because you see mom crying every night, trying to figure out how she is going to pay tomorrow's rent. Mom is doing just fine and she bought her own house and car. Your going to be very proud of her.

7) Your going to go through so many heartbreaks, so just hold on tight

8)When you come out of the closet,  many of your "friends" are going to turn their backs on you. Don't worry ,those who matter will embrace you.

9)You can do anything you set your mind to. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise



So with that all said, your going to go through some good times and some not so good times.I know your not going to take any of this advice, and that's perfectly fine. Make mistakes and learn from them, they are what make you who you are. Everything in life happens for a reaso and i'm glad your going to go through the stuff you do. Keep your head up buddy.

Love,

Christian

P.S  I know you hate the name Christian, but in a few years you're going to regret being called Kingston

Derek's Dear Me Letter

A Letter To My Sixteen Year Old Self

Derek at Sixteen

Greetings from twenty-five years in the future. Freaky right? It’s just like that writing assignment you had a couple of years ago where you had to write a letter to yourself in twenty years. Sad news. Most of the relatives you said I should look up are dead now so instead of putting in a letter to call them, maybe you should just call them now while you can. I know long distance is expensive but that will change. Everything about calling will change. And the easier and cheaper it gets to call people, the less you will want to do it. Weird right? Sometimes life doesn’t make a lot of sense.

There are things that will disappoint you. We don’t live on the moon and robot butlers haven’t happened either. You will have a robot dog though but the novelty will wear out before the battery does. Pretty much nothing in Back To The Future II happens. They did make the sneakers finally but that was never interesting anyway. In 2001, Pan Am will be out of business and in 2010, you won’t live in a house with dolphins as pets. Frankly, the best invention we get out of science fiction is automatic doors and they’re everywhere and you’re going to love them.

I don’t really have a lot of advice for you. Things have turned out pretty good so far, with only a couple of minor exceptions. You are a lucky person with good instincts. Follow them and be bold and you’ll do great. You could change things but you’ll be happy with the way things turn out even if you don’t. But I suppose I have some minor suggestions that might improve the quality of your overall experience.

1. Your tortured teen love for Laurel Cullen is a phase. You like guys. You should quite moping and listening to Madonna songs because the hot male date you bring to your ten year high school reunion will make her wild with jealousy.

2. Stop making faces in the mirror trying to see what you will look like when you get older. Trust me, you’ll get plenty of that when you are older. Enjoy being young. Even though you will be frustrated that people won’t take you seriously at work because you have a baby face, getting carded in your 30s is a lot more fun than a corner office.

3. Having a boyfriend is not important. Making money is. It will turn out over time that you will like the security of cash in the bank more than the security of a man on your arm. So, shamelessly pursue your career instead of men who will only waste your time and steal your energy. And as a TV show in the future will point out, “with enough money, you can pay people to see you naked.”

4. When your Mom tells you to “do something nice for some nice lesbian couple somewhere” by donating to a sperm bank when you are 22, don’t be mortified, just take her advice. Yes, you will probably be a grandfather in your 40s, but in retrospect, having grandkids at any age is awesome and even though you will miss changing diapers and shaping their lives, there will still be little Derek’s running around somewhere with Denis’ chin and your Mom’s long limbs and ski jump nose.

5. Don’t be afraid to move to New York City. You are going to love it. Although you are right, there will never be enough money to live there properly, no matter how rich you are.

6. I know Peggy Sue Got Married doesn’t make any sense to you now, but in twenty years, that shit is going to wreck you. Lots of movies and other things will make more sense when you are older. Yes, it seems obnoxious that Glinda doesn’t just let Dorothy go home at the beginning of the Wizard of Oz, but an arduous journey is more valuable than an easy trip to where you want to go. If you don’t learn along the way, you’ll just end up a Republican.

7. Your fight with your Dad may seem like it is about other things but it is just about you being gay. Get over it and tell him. It will turn out to be the best thing. In fact, come out in high school. Nothing bad is going to happen and I assure you there won’t be one shocked face in a ten mile radius. Not even Laurel.

8. Stop resisting technology. It is going to end up defining your career again and again and again. The more you resist it, the less money you will end up making. And as you can see in #3, money is kind of important. And writing too. Don’t resist that either. You like it. Do more of that.

9. Don’t try to be trendy or wear fashionable clothes. You are the embodiment of American sportswear. Stick with what works for you. Otherwise you will just end up looking ridiculous. Although, it turns out that what other people think doesn’t really matter but still, you will know you look ridiculous and not in a good way.

10. People are stupid. You are just going to have to let that go. Be happy instead, and grateful that you aren’t stupid too. And your hair. Be grateful for that. Even though it has already started going grey, like everything else in your life, you’ll still end up having more than you’ll ever need. And if I know myself, that will be a relief.

This Dear Me letter is inspired by the book Dear Me: A Letter to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self.

Amber's Dear Me Letter

(I'm on the left)

October 25, 2011

Dear 16 Year Old Me,

Heads up kiddo it's 1999 you're in high school, Emily's mother has somewhat recently forbid you from seeing each other and you pretty much thought the world was over, well I've got news from you it isn't and things will settle and you'll find more happiness than you thought possible in the years ahead.

I know you believe you're an artist but your constantly frustrated with your inability to finish a project that's worthwhile, well I have good news, you are an artist you just haven't found your medium yet but when you do it will offer great satisfaction though not without challenges and frustrations of its own. They're worth it.

Don't force things, especially in the relationship department there is no need to rush. You will have many relationships, be honest with yourself and your partners I promise it will cause less heartache in the end.

Listen to mom, I know she seems over protective and nags you a lot but seriously she's right about pretty much all of that stuff and you'll soon realize how lucky you are to have her.

Take lots of pictures and write in a journal (you won't write enough but you should!) life might seem to drag on now but mark my words every year goes faster than the last and before you know it you'll be 28 years old thinking holy crap I can't believe it's almost November 2011. Seriously just remember as much as you can, be good to your friends, call your family, tell them you love them.

If you happen to hear from 50 year old me please forward the message, I'd love to hear what she has to say.

Always,

Amber

This Dear Me letter is inspired by the book Dear Me: A Letter to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self.

Dear Romaine...

So last night on the DNR show we had Joseph on our show. He put together the book, Dear Me. It is a book of letters from celebrities to their 16 y/o selves. So as a home work assignment I thought it would be a good idea for the DNR crew to write their own "Dear Me" letters. Below is the letter I would send to my 16 y/o self. 

Romaine on her 16th Birthday! 

October 25, 2011

Dear Romaine,

Yep, it is freaky. You are getting a letter from your 33 year old self. I know you dream of being the age I am right now but girl you have a lot of life to live first and I have a little advice to give you to help guide the way.

Okay, so you are 16 and just got laid for the first time. Enjoy your time with her. She is a special one and you will always love her. But she is just the first of many women you love and as much as you hate it your mother is right about her.  Betty will try you many times over the years but I promise you that she will become the most important person in your life. Remember she loves you no matter what dumb ass shit she might say to you. You will be there for Betty and she will always be there for you. Your parents will come around but your time with them is limited so don’t spend it not loving them. And when you need help ask. They will never let you down. Oh and write down some of dad’s songs and crazy sayings…they really are funny. 

High school sucks. Yep, but don’t spend so much time worrying about what those dumb ass kids think. You will have the last laugh. Focus on the things you are good at and they will take you far. Always take the high road when dealing with those who push you to your limits. Know who your enemies are and keep your allies close. You are not alone even if you feel that way now. High school doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things so just get through it.

Michael—I know you are struggling with him being sick and I know you are scared. Enjoy every moment you share with him. There will be a time in the very near future where you will wish for just one more visit. Ask him every question about life you have and pay attention to the answers. Michael is perhaps the wisest person you will ever know. Tell him you love him often and make sure he knows how much he means to you. He is scared too. Tell Michael that his life has made your life better now and in the future. Let him know that through you he will fulfill his final goal in life (it the goal that is hanging on the mirror in his bathroom).

Take more pictures. That scrapbook you keep will become one of your most cherished things. So fill it with pictures and stories.  Write down all the lessons you learn from Michael. Trust me you will want to remember the coming years of your life. You are in for a real ride kid.  

I know you want to become famous. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you can’t do it. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO. You know it and I am here to tell you it is true. Your voice is the key so keep finding it.

Things are going to take turns you don’t expect. So try to remember to be true to the person you are. There will be some real challenges ahead but all of those challenges make you stronger and more capable then most. Remember that you are good and want to do good things with your life. When the opportunity to do the right thing presents itself always do the right thing!

When you get to NYC and you will…there will be a girl. When you meet her don’t be afraid to tell her you love her if you don't you will regret it. She won’t want to hear it but she needs to know. Remind her often.

Always set goals for yourself and then push until you meet them. Never give up on those goals. They will be the key to having a fulfilling life.

Last but not least. You are surrounded with love. Your family is amazing. There aren’t many families as unique as yours. Get to know those siblings of yours. One day they will be more important than they seem now. Make sure you tell them you love them often.

Romaine, your life is going to be amazing but you already know that.

Always and 33,

Romaine

I think I was 18 in this one.

PENNY FUCKING CAN!

Tuesday night, our lovely boss, Amber ... sent myself and Christian to Times Square to play the infamous Penny Can game.  (Amber conveniently forgot to inform me that Christian doesn't know how to decipher cross-walk signs.  Jesus Christ, they have fucking pictures and he still gets confused?)

As soon as we exited the elevator, Intern Christian started bitching that he wanted a Subway sandwich.  To hell with his Cold Cut Combo, I was ready to shove a goodamn Fleshlight Zombie® dildo down his throat.  I was still furious with the juice incident, therefore, I completely ignored his hunger pains.  Let me back track for a moment:  Before leaving the building, I asked Christian to bring me a juice.  Why did this Chrissy Snow come back with a goddamn Hawaiian Punch?  I was completely dumbfounded that he actually believed that Hawaiian Punch was fruit juice!  I had a total bipolar moment in front of Sirius security.  But thinking back, what bothers me more than Christian's mishap, is the fact that the security guard found my Mommie Dearest moment to be completely natural here at Sirius.  He didn't even bother to look up from his Sudoko during the whole fucking episode ...

Will someone PLEASE explain to Christian that the ghetto-ass Hawaiian fruit punch they put in his bottle in place of Vitamin D milk ... IS NOT 100% real fruit juice???

I continued to ignore his whining for a Subway sandwich.  We turned the corner and before our very eyes was the wonderful world of dirty, grungy, unauthorized mascots!  Mickey Mouse, Hello Kitty, Spider-Man and the Super Mario Brothers to name a few!  Spider-man managed to play with us before their pimp, who was recently paroled from serving time for sodomy, larceny and grand theft auto, informed us that our Penny Can was fucking with his territory.

We got the hell out of there!  Who wants to be raped by some thug while being held down by Hello Kitty?

By the way, Spider-Man missed his shot, and per the rules of our dysfunctional Penny Can game, I was allowed to ask him an embarrassing question.  Well, doesn't every gay man want to know if their superhero is actually packing some major cock in those tights?  Spidey confirmed that he was indeed HUNG.  My eyes glanced at his package and there was a stain.

Our paths then crossed with a troll named Jeremiah.  He may have had a biblical name, but this dude lost religion right about the same time he lost his virginity-and I suspect it happened in the back of a Ford Econoline Van or a tent at a church camp meeting.  Jeremiah had this aura and stench about him, as if he had just left one of the adult bookstores that feature a movie & cum dump.  But he was willing to play Penny Can and it was fun torturing him!  His wrist had more limp than a hillbilly with gout, so needless to say, our Penny Can runneth over.

Before heading back to the studio, Christian thought it would be a good idea to take Penny Can into a gay bar.  That bitch knows where every gay bar is within a 4 block radius of Sirius, so we went to the Ritz.  There I was, minding my own business when Christian stumbled across one of his gentleman callers.  Let's just say that Anna Nicole Smith wasn't the only one doing a geriatric on a respirator ...

While Christian was securing his November rent and Metro card, I met two drunk messes on the porch.  Obviously, they missed their Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and decided to get drunk at 4 o' clock in the afternoon.  Suprisingly, they still managed a good aim!  They were adorable yet deplorable and wanted to know if bathroom sex from Christian was one of their door prizes ... need I say more?  Christian does do as he's told and the winners got more than they bargained for!

We went back to the studio and had a great time with Derek and Romaine.  We even got to play on-air and ended the evening with a lot of fun and laughter!  For a brief, fleeding moment, I actually liked Christian ... that is until he text me in the middle of the night asking what he should do about the guy he vomited on during a moment of passion.

That's all for now, folks!
-Eric The Intern    

HEAVEN HELP US!

Before I post my entry, I should probably acknowledge a devoted DNR listener, Gay Grandpa.  Not only is he a hot mess - he's a man somewhere between dementia and death.  Anyway, this old codger took to our blog and instigated drama between myself and Intern Christian!  Don't shit in your Depends, Grandpa ... I know exactly what I'm dealing with.  I've also managed to learn a thing or two by watching All About Eve down at Chelsea Cinema on many o' Thursday night.  Fortunately, Hedda Lettuce doesn't rotate her films as often as Christian turns tricks, therefore, I'm well aware of Eve Harrington, otherwise known as Intern Christian.

My very wise German grandma once warned me about guys like Christian.  She said,
"Eddick, daahlink.  Rememberz what Grammy sayz.  When zu go to zee buffet, neverz diptz your carrotz in ze diptz unlezz you vere firstz in zee linez."

FUCK ME for not taking that internship across the hall at Martha Stewart.  At least I'd be hashing up Peony potpourri instead of shoveling through all Christian's bullshit.  But I love Derek and Romaine (and Christian) AND I'd really get fucking tired of having to continually hear Martha say, "It's A Good Thing." I just thought about something concerning Gay Grandpa:  When the hell did nursing homes start subscribing to SiriusXM?  Furthermore, how the hell did he stay up past 5:00pm when everyone knows the nurses dope those motherfuclers up real good as not to miss Young & The Restless on Tivo!

Now on to my entry ...

We've all had our awkward moments in the workplace bathroom.  For instance, like my first week of interning- I had the pleasure of standing at a urinal next to someone affectionately known around here as Cupcake.  From what I saw, they should be calling him 9"x 6" Cake Pan.  That's one hung straight boy!  On to my most recenter bathroom encounter ... there I was, minding my own business in the SiriusXM bathroom.  As I began washing my hands, I heard what sounded like a sound byte to a Michael Lucas film.  With all the groaning and oohs and aahhs, you would've thought I was in an elementary Spanish class learning vowels.

It was late, right before show time, so my initial thought was that Intern Christian took it to heart when Derek and Romaine told us to make ourselves feel right at home.  (God knows he's been doing it on the air)  It was a logical thought: Christian had just packaged a Fleshjack and maybe he decided to try it out before dropping it in the mail?  But no, this wasn't the simple moans of a J/O, these were groans of deep anal pleasure!

It was just me and the that sinful bottom in the stall, so I couldn't resist to take a look at the coffee cup and e-mail print out he had left at the sink.  Random thoughts raced through my mind ... What in the fuck was he doing in there?  Was he taking a confession?  Was he performing an exorcism?  Was the e-mail correspoindence casualy left on the sink, an invitation to meet him after the show?  I guess I've watched one too many episodes of CSI!

Heaven help me---this is a case of the BUSTED ASS! 

Christian the Intern!!!

Hello Everyone!   :)

My name is Christian and I am one of the new interns for The Derek and Romaine Show. I started September 19th and so far I am loving it here. The entire DNR staff is very friendly, helpful, and funny as shit.  I am very grateful to be interning here and keeping all of you guys up to date on whats going on in the show as well as hearing from all of you.

Before I start of telling you about myself, let me tell you a little about what happened to me this weekend. Hopefully you all had a better time than I did. The guy I was dating dumped me on Friday because he " realized I wasn't his type". Having feelings for someone that doesn't feel the same way about you sucks, let me tell you that. I think part of it was due to the fact that I wouldnt have sex with him -___-. So let me take this oppurtunity to send him a big fuck you and tell him he's an idiot! But anyway Saturday night I went to Industry in NYC to help heal this broken heart and Sunday morning I woke up on the side of a NYC building with  a hangover, bite marks on my lips, no shoes , no money to get home and  I ended up missing work. I think I went a little to hard!

So now that I let that out, let me introduce myself. I am a senior at Fairleigh Dickinson University studying Communications and Advertisement.  My dream job is to be a television host and producde my own drama series (I promise they will be better than all the corny shows ABC is releasing). Some of  my hobbies include playing lacrosse, sailing, playing with my puppy Kingston, drinking beers with my fraternity brothers, interning at the show, and meeting new people. I grew up in a farm so working in NYC is very interesting and a bit of a culture shock for me. I'm used to seeing chickens and  cows, not bums and crazy people. Well the show is about to start soon so I have to run now.  I look forward to hearing from all of you!

P.S Eric and I will be formally introducing ourselves on air tomorrow night on Derek & Romaine. Join us ;)

Cheers,

Christian the Intern